This Month

2007

SNAP COUNTRY USA
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DING

February 27

Elizabeth Butters has a song that she likes, it is the All the Pretty Little Horses song, by Alan Lomax and Ed McCurdy. I like this song a lot too. It is my job to work for Josh Ritter, who is the nicest man you will ever meet in your life. He is on a solo tour right now and he bought this really wonderful cream colored pinstripe suit just for it. They showed him wearing it in the Washington Post and I went AWWW. Anyway, during his show here, at which I was very sad, he came onstage with a girl and they sang All the Pretty Little Horses, and I loved it. They just sat on the edge of the stage and played it without microphones in the huge quiet theater.

Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses. Blacks and bay, dapple and grey, coach and six a little horses, blacks and bay, dapple and grey, coach and six a little horses. Way down yonder in the meadow lies a poor little lamby, and the bee and the fly are picking at his eye, the poor little thing cried mammy. Hushabye, don't you cry, go to sleepy little baby. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little horses. Blacks and bay, dapple and grey, coach and six a little horses.

I guess you wouldn't really care about these horses if you are not an 11 year old girl. The horse-girl archetype is one that I probably fit into when I was growing up. I don't like how people have recently tried to make really nerdy or sensitive things from childhood into like, icons of irony, and that includes ridiculing horse girls. I think it is different if you are a person that is very familiar with this affinity, whether you have surrounded yourself with horse girls, or used to be one yourself, because then you have a point of understanding the genuine and positive qualities of kids who find something that is not cool at all and they get made fun of for, but they still love it a lot.

At my summer camp it was always kind of obvious which kids were in horse camp: they were a) all girls b) into wearing boots all the time, even during capture the flag c) enjoyed a prolific habit of drawing animals like wolves and bears and horses, and making the sounds of the animals as they drew them. Horse campers I love because for the most part you don't have to worry about them doing anything really wrong, because they are not going to give in to peer pressure. If they were worried about peer pressure, they probably would not be as flagrantly into horse girl culture in the first place. I also love their sincerity, and their proud group-identity with horses that the other kids don't really get, and how they're ok with it. I never did go to horse camp when I was a camper, but I definitely wore unflattering outfits and snarled like an animal at the camp director when he reached for the hot dog bun I wanted at the barbecue buffet.


Anyway: Another bonus of my job is that I get really bizarre emails from a wide array of people in the entertainment industry. I got this stone cold job application email, and I thought it was someone who wanted to work in our office, someone interested in the music industry, something like that. I was wrong. It was the most excellent email I'd ever received at my work computer: It was a professional bodyguard offering me his services. He even addressed a letter to me, Ms. Starkey. I was so excited that I wanted to write him back and tell him that if I were ever in need of a bodyguard, he could be the Kevin Costner to my Whitney Houston. But I didn't want to make him feel bad that I wasn't really going to hire him. Mostly because things might suck, but at least no one is trying to murder me, and I'm sure bodyguards aren't cheap.

Regardless, I want you all to know that David D, aka BALKAN is a courteous and professional protection specialist. His bodyguard profile informs us that he is part of the FBI Joint Terrorism Task Force and that he holds Top Secret Security Clearance. I don't really know what that means, but his list of assets includes loyalty.

You guys! I swear to god, if you ever need a bodyguard, I'm going to ask that you please give David D, I mean BALKAN, top consideration.

February 24

Warning: Totally Emo Alert

Cinematic update: I don't know if there is anything that I can watch besides The Lord of the Rings when I am so so down. That is right, I am down. If it is not painfully clear already from my attention to Lifetime programming. It is hard. Many times I cannot take phone calls from my grandma because I do not want her to know that I am down - she will be upset. It kills me because she leaves me the most gut-wrenching voicemails in her accent of County Monaghan. Hello my beautiful girl. Just going to bed, wanted to say hi. Saw you had snow in the paper today. It is sunny here. Grandad and I went to the doctor. Hope you are well. Love love love. I will send you a letter tomorrow morning when the post office opens. Love love love.

The worst part is, you know that part of the voicemail system that asks you if you want to page the person, and you always skip it? She doesn't. She types in her phone number so that I get a text message that just says her number.

Anyway. Tonight I saw The Fellowship of the Ring, which has never been my favorite part of the trilogy. The first time I saw it I fell asleep. I have always enjoyed The Two Towers the most. However, tonight I feel I may have derived total enjoyment from The Fellowship as I wept through most of it. I mean, I know you are not supposed to associate enjoyment with weeping. But the part where Frodo is like "I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened." And then Gandalf says, "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." I'm all like AHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE. Because the ring is hard times. But you do what you can with the time that you have. AND THEN YOU JUMP IN A BOAT AND YOU GO.

February 24

Willie Nelson is one of my favorite things right now. In addition to his talents as a singer of heartbreaking songs, he also makes his own brand of biodiesel, and it is called BioWillie.

This morning on TV - excuse me, Lifetime: Television for Women - they were airing the 1996 film Foxfire, which was filmed at my high school the summer before I started going there. I think. This movie features Angelina Jolie as the mischievous (dangerous?) and non-debatably gay "Legs." It is unfortunate that I cannot tear myself away from this movie, because it is probably the worst movie in the world. Like, A) since when are the Vista and Broadway bridges connected at all? B) Who says "Legs, put down the gun!"? C) Why does this movie make it seem like a bunch of high school girls drinking booze in an abandoned house with candles and homoerotic tattoos is embarrassing? Oh, it's because it is.

If you ever had a crush on Angelina Jolie, I guess you can watch this movie and get something out of it, because she is kind of hot in it, but like, I am not one of those girls who was like "I'm not really into girls, but if I had to make out with a girl, it would be Angelina Jolie." Mostly because I am into girls in the first place, and if I had to make out with one, it wouldn't be Angelina Jolie.

February 21

I have always liked Tropicana orange juice. It has always been delicious. Sometimes I feel like I can really bond with strangers if we both know that we think Tropicana is our favorite. No pulp, guys. Pulp kind of messes up the orange juice, even though it makes the juice more orangey, I guess, technically.

Some other orange juice that I can describe: At the Neighborhood, they give you a tiny glass of orange juice for free with your breakfast. I am pretty sure it is squeezed on the premises. However, it is very small, and even a child might be freaked out about its smallness. One time in New Zealand I worked at this couple's orange grove - it was not a positive experience, but I did get to have the freshest orange juice I've ever had in my whole life. Something I remember about that farm was that the room I was given to sleep in was very mildewed, and I could smell it even when I was sleeping. And they had a dog. And a wood-burning stove. And their water was all rain water that they collected, and they would wash all their dishes in a very conservative way, with just a little bit of water. However, the woman was not nice to me, I think she told me that I would have a boyfriend if I liked myself better. I thought that was pretty rude to tell someone point blank, and I think I could not restrain myself from telling her that I liked myself PLENTY. But I definitely didn't tell her that I didn't want a boyfriend, even if it was for all the orange juice in the world.

Tonight on Fresh Air, Terry Gross was interviewing this man who was a child soldier in Sierra Leone. They wrote a story about him in the New York Times Magazine also, but I couldn't read most of it because it was so so scary. However, the radio interview was made enjoyable by the infalliable Terry Gross. The man's name is Ishmael and he was telling about how his commanders made him take all these drugs as a 12 year old to have lots of energy and not care about killing a bunch of people. One of the drugs was called "brown brown" and here is what it is made out of: Cocaine and gunpowder. And Terry Gross is like: "So... snorting gunpowder... What's that like?" Like maybe she's intrigued. She's like, "Is that fun, gunpowder? Is it better thannnnn... regular cocaine? Orrrr... meth?" Oooh Meth!

February 19

Today I made 24 chocolate stout cupcakes, I messed up the recipe, but seriously like, the recipe was messed up in the first place. The guy had me make a bunch of whipped cream frosting with an entire pound of powdered sugar. It's ridiculous because it is too sweet, you are essentially just eating liquid sugar, and that is not exactly what I was thinking was going to happen. And then even after I finally frosted them, there is still an entire bowl of frosting sitting in my refrigerator. I'm going to have to make a giant cake just to use it up. So you know what? I'm done with recipes. The next time I bake something, I'm just going to make it up, and you'll have to eat whatever comes out of the oven. How does THAT sound.



This is a video review of the cupcake, starring EDWARD KAZYANSKAYA. If you'll notice, the review seriously degenerates into a discussion of multiples through reflection, and then a declaration that the whole point of art is just wasting paper. However, if you've ever done any art, you must admit that paper wasting is a huge part of it.

February 17

One month until St. Patrick's Day

Danya and I are watching TV and drinking coffee at my house. The bathroom that is next to the TV doesn't have any toilet paper, so we have to use the upstairs one, it's just easier than finding new toilet paper.


Don't let yourself think that it isn't fun, because it is. We took the futon couch and flattened it out, so it's kind of flat like a bed- I want to say that it is the only way to watch TV, but I know in real life that I've watched it other ways, so that would be a lie, and I don't lie to you. Not here, no way.

February 16

I want to say that I love earth science. And it's easy, because I do. I cannot quantify the pure joy that I derive from charts that display the water cycle. Annnd the nitrogen cycle. I think I'm going to have to go find my biology text book from college and rip all the charts out to paper my walls. And then I can get a tattoo of a bunch of arrows going in a circle, and possibly a lightning bolt, and then the words NITROGEN-FIXING BACTERIA - mostly because I bet it is hard to graphically represent their niche.

I have to say that I like the carbon cycle a lot, but it's a little played out due to all the recent media attention. God there is just something so awesome about plants taking carbon out of the atmosphere and turning it into carbohydrates. And I think that decomposition is one of the most important things in the world. I practically want to make a birthday cake for myself out of decomposing organic matter.

UHHH EARTH SCIENCE. SO RADDD.

February 14

Leslie McCollom sent me a sweetheart that says FREE BEEF on it - THANKS LESLIE.

For those of you not "in the know," Free Beef is the #1 selling tactic of Les Schwab Tires. The premise is: when you buy a new set of tires, they will give you Free Beef.
However, Kelly has informed me that her dad has tried really hard to get the Free Beef when he was purchasing one tire, and they wouldn't give it to him, even when he tried to buy it from them for $20. I think I am disappointed with Les Schwab for that. I think they should let you have the beef you deserve. Because it's the Best of the West.

Today is winter precipitation day, it's snowing a lot outside, and it's also sleeting? I have never been clear about the definition of sleet. In Oregon I don't really think there is such a thing as sleet, there is just snow and freezing rain. Freezing rain is no fun, guys. One time there was freezing rain at my house when I was 9 or something, and my dad was out on the steps putting down salt or shoveling, and I went outside and I slipped on the ice right in front of him. I fell on my butt. He said, "Whoops! You fell on your petunia."

HAHAHA. I have never been able to disassociate freezing rain from falling on my petunia. And... power outages that last 4 days.

February 12

Whoa tonight I went to this diner by myself for dinner because I have been there before (the Watertown Deluxe Town Diner) but only for breakfast, and it was very full at that time. Anyway, I was one of the only people there and they were playing jazz radio, and I just ate my dinner, but then I noticed that they had these cupcakes on the counter, and they matched this cupcake storefront that I saw on the way in that had Cosmo Cupcakes - THEY LOOK LIKE MAGICAL FLOWERS. I definitely got one for dessert and I was really pleased because you could tell that the frosting was made with butter, and they had been keeping it refrigerated so the frosting would stay in the more solid state.

I think that there is something in my brain chemistry that hates the sound of drunk boys. And like, their loutish guffaws. It's as if the cackles, fake irish accents and the racial slurs are more than sound: they are... DAGGERS OF AGONYYY. What is that? You are repeating a line from Borat? Oh drunk boys, you ARE so funny. Why did I ever doubt you.

ALSO: The What Goes Around video is not good at all. I will put it on just so I can hear the song, but you guys? Scarlett Johansson is not that great. And what are those lines she says? And what the hell is she doing trying to drown herself in a pool? And why are they drinking so much? And I just don't want to watch her and Justin making out nonstop, because she is stupid in this video, and she should never get the keys to the castle, not even after a month of dating. You know who still should have the keys to the castle is Cameron Diaz. I understand that sometimes "things don't work out," but Justin, she is so freaking hot, and so are you, and you two were my favorite celebrity couple. Now I have to watch you BLOW IT with lines like "I happen to think I'm a lot of fun" and "I FUCKING KNOW YOU."

February 11

The Thriller music video is still the best music video ever made, ever in the whole world, except for the end where it's "really" all the girlfriend's dream. Dream excuse endings are on of my list of "not allowed" items, except in the Wizard of Oz because that is a "classic" which is not really arguable. I think the reason behind my immediate dismissal of "It was all a dream" endings is that I have known since second grade that it is a faux-pas of writing and storymaking. Like, I'm pretty sure that my white and blue Creative Writer's Workshop folder had a list of writing tips on it, and one of them was "The end of your story should not be ...but it was all a dream!"

Unfortunately, another thing that should not be allowed is Adam Sandler movies that entail him being a serious actor, except for possibly Punch Drunk Love which I only say because my brother Loves that movie with a capital L. These two illegals come together in the waste of life that is Click, a feel-bad movie that is not funny at all, in which Adam Sandler portrays a terrible father and husband, and then at the end he dies alone repeating FAMILY COMES FIRST... And then guess what: IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

I think that, for the sake of your self dignity, you should not watch this movie, even if it is only because your roommate is watching it while you are eating your cereal on a weekend for 30 minutes.

Also: it is definitely a good time to go to UNO's on a Saturday night. Everyone should do it, and order the deep dish pizza that has 160 grams of fat.

February 10

So on the radio they keep talking about Valentine's Day coming up, and it makes me want to murder NPR. It's like: I'm sorry, but do you know how many people in the world do not want to order beautiful flowers and luxury chocolates because it only reminds them how sad they are that they don't have a valentine? A lot. Yes, probably more than the amount of people who do have valentines. Even on Weekend America they were talking about people being in love and stuff and I was like Jesus, can it already. They had this story about this girl whose mother died a few years ago, she had moved from New Hampshire to LA to be a graphic designer, and her mom died, and she was so depressed and she would come home from work every day and stop at the liquor store and buy a pack of cigarettes and one beer. And then she would drink half the beer, and put the other half in the refrigerator, and go on her online grief support group. And then I guess she met this guy from Montreal, and they fell in love, and now they are getting married and she's moving to Montreal to be his WIFE.

The whole point of this story was that there was this sign up on Sunset Blvd that said like "I've lost my heart, can you help me find it" and an email address. They were just interviewing people whose lives had been touched by this sign, but they couldn't find the person who had put the sign up. It is one of those stories that you know exists because some kid who goes to like art school or like works at Amoeba was like "I'm going to do this thing that is so deep, and it is like some really crappy missed connection on craigslist but I'm doing it on PAPER so it's like, SO real."

I guess I have a problem with associating this time of year with love, because February is just a terrible month to begin with. Everyone knows it is hard. And it is cold, and your taxes are going to be due, and all your holidays are over, and all the TV channels are having sweeps so every network's news commercials are like THIS THING YOU DO EVERY DAY IS GOING TO MAKE YOU DIE. SEE HOW AT 11.

However something not terrible at all is

KELLY MCELROY HAS A BIRTHDAY IN THIS MONTH

and that day was yesterday: The Ninth. I say to Kelly: HAPPY BIRTHDAY KELLY. I hope that she enjoyed her cake. It is really important to have a cake that you enjoy on your birthday, if you care about those kinds of things. Otherwise just go to the grocery store and get a bad 1/4 sheet cake with some awful balloons drawn on it in loopy red frosting as the only decoration. And it's like, on gold colored cardboard with a very thin plastic top that sounds like cheap thunder when you take it off. KELLY I know your birthday cake will never be like this.

February 8

I got sick lately, pretty sick. I have not been sleeping at night very well, it makes me feel pretty bad. Today I received some knee-high socks that my grandma sent me in the mail, and I will wear them tomorrow. They have a small argyle pattern in them, and there is a sticker on them that says they are good to wear with boots. She also sent me a short letter folded up inside of the package, and it has a magazine cutout of a lemon. It says JUICE KILLS BUGS and I am so gladddd that she told me that.

I was shocked to find out today that Anna Nicole Smith died in Florida. It is pretty sad to die at age 39. However, somehow, I think that it was the way that Anna Nicole was meant to go. I mean, she was famous for being famous. And for wearing a surfing outfit in her weight loss ads on the subway. And for having a role in Naked Gun: 33 1/3. R.I.P. A.N.S.

My brother alerted me to a really really excellent video that time should never forget: Sexx Laws by Beck: I mean, there is a spinning mannequin torso with a zebra head playing the damn banjo. And Jack Black: in NINETEENNINEDEHNIIIIINE.

You can't comment but you could email me. Sorry.