SNAP COUNTRY USA WHY READ THE INTERNET ANYWHERE ELSE
DING
September 18
I am going back to work on Saturday! Which is the day after tomorrow! I had a dream last night, you won't believe it - but I just had it - so really it was
this morning - that I was at some kind of thing with a high school reunion and all my high school friends were there, and I had to fight a giant, and I pinched
her in this place in her armpit until she went down. AND THEN I saw a bunch of current high school students there throwing bouncy balls, and I took
them away, and I was like "Oh wait - Just Kidding!" and gave them back.
AND THEN I saw a group of the people that I work with, and I was walking over to see
them. It was in a school hallway of some kind. I don't know what school. And as I was getting closer... I saw this girl that makes me feel like
a Dementor is sucking all the life out of me! So I quickly turned around and started speed walking up the hall - hoping she didn't see me,
hoping she would not see me, and then I started floating while walking. And then I was flying! And then that song
"I Believe I Can Fly" by R Kelly
from Space Jam was playing, and THEN I WOKE UP.
I have to write cue cards. And make some posters. And get my hair cut. And wash my clothes. Etc etc. But first I have to drink coffee.
Just, for the record. Sarah Palin has a Yahoo account. Not gmail. It's funny because I had a yahoo account in high school in then left it untouched for years, and
now it's just gone. How's that for public access to documents? HUH?!
So, also? I need to put out this simple statement, which is much more eloquently written out by
David Brooks,
but it's just this: Um, if someone is going to be in
charge of our country, don't you WANT them to be really smart? Like, not necessarily Down Home, but maybe, MAYBE well educated and brilliant and cultured? I worry, so,
SO much that so many people in this country are voting based on how much they "relate" to the names on the ticket. John McCain, while I wanted him to be nominated
probably more than any of the Republican nominees, has been using these totally ridiculous, transparently deceitful tactics, and his staff is villifying anyone
who DARES to challenge the
patriotic, God's-will-fulfilling, unblinking horror show of a campaign. And people are just Letting It Happen.
It's just like, I want to sit down with America and just say, "Um, I'm concerned, because I know that
you're smart, and I know that a lot of people like you, but there are some things I'm noticing that are just not meeting my expectations. I've noticed that you're supporting
people who represent hateful and offensive ideas. And that is a problem for me, because it tells me that you don't think America is a place where everyone should be
respected, safe, and able to have the same opportunities. And that it IS a place that you think should be run by crazy people. That shoot wolves. With guns. Out of helicopters.
And have Yahoo email. And a tanning bed in their mansion.
Are those really the decisions you want to be making, America? Is that the kind of country you want this to be?"
And then hopefully by this point America is crying a little
bit with shame. And then we'll write some things down on a contract, that say "I, America, will work on the following things: Thinking before talking, using respectful language and actions,
and keeping my hands to myself. Oh and also paying attention to the facts presented in the god damn newspaper instead of falling prey to manipulative media outlets.
If I successfully meet these expectations, I will: Get to live in a country that maybe has a functioning economy, gains back its respect on the international stage,
ends a hot mess of a war in Iraq, gives health care to its citizens, and has a President that knows how to use a computer. If I do not meet these expectations, there will be: consequences."
Now, I don't want you to worry about what those consequences are right now, America - because I'm sure you can do this - and also, because I.
I'm going to be give you a copy of this contract, and I want you to check in with me on a regular basis to make sure that you are making good choices.
OK, great. Thanks America. Go eat your dinner.
PS, Does Sarah Palin remind anyone of Dolores Umbridge from Harry Potter? That evil professor from the Ministry of Magic who has a bunch of decorative kitten plates
one her walls? And who wears pink all the time? And who makes a million prohibitive rules? And employs torture?
...ALSO: Today I got my hair cut at the Aveda Institute! I had this girl named Ariel, and it took her two hours, and consistent redirection by her instructor, but it was great!
It's like the best haircut I've gotten in forever, and it was ten dollars. And they even like, gave me two massages. And put chapstick on me with a q-tip. And Kristen got
her hair cut too, but she got done first, and just sat and watched me. And then she gave me my haircut as a present. Yes!
September 13
GOD BLESS TINA FEY AND AMERICA AND THE INTERNET.
Also
this NYT article is FIERCE. As in, it reveals how loosely she must regard the ethics and responsibilities of governing a state if she puts her old high school
friends in high paying positions, fires people she wants to get rid of (like museum staff?), and conducts state business with private email accounts. I wonder if
she has Gmail! I wonder if we could gmailchat.
"me: hey sarah what's up
Sarah Palin: Oh, not much - I've got the kids all babysitting each other again. What about you?
me: oh I just slept until I woke up again and I had this really messed up dream
I'm going to make some coffee and play super nes in my sweatpants
Sent at 11.07am
Sarah Palin: Wow, cool! Yeah, sorry I was gone for a little bit, I had to talk on the phone with my mom. You know what totally sucks?
me: what
Sarah Palin: The newspapers figured out that I am totally crazy. That's probably my thorn of today.
me: oh man sarah that does suck I'm sorry what is your rose then
Sarah Palin: Oh, probably talking to you. And then also I just wrote a bunch of jokes that have "lipstick" as the punchline.
me: aw thanks sarah. man that's exciting about your lipstick jokes what do you think you will do with them
Sarah Palin: Well, I have been in touch with Scholastic about a theme joke book for elementary school kids that they can buy through Book Orders
But they need to hire a cartoonist... it's a thing.
me: oh I'm sure
Sent at 11:23am
Sarah Palin: Can I tell you something? You can't tell anyone yet.
me: ok
Sarah Palin: OK, I actually am going to totally bail on this presidential ticket
BUT THEN I am going to get my own brand of popsicles with the lipstick jokes printed on the sticks!!!
me: shut up
Sarah Palin: I know, right? The best part is going to be that all the popsicles will be red
And the end of the stick you are holding will say a joke like
"What's the difference between an insane wolf killing grandma and a pitbull?"
me: oh man
Sarah Palin: And then you eat the popsicle
And not only do you get to read the answer (it's lipstick!)
But your lips have been colored red! By the artificial coloring! In the popsicle!
me: girl that is amazing
are you going to call them lipstickcicles
Sarah Palin: No
Just kidding. YES!
me: hey girl I actually have to go
it is like almost noon and I am still on gmailchat
Sarah Palin: Oh, alright Can we talk more later?
me: uh huh
Sarah Palin: OK, this popsicle thing is going to be explosive. But seriously don't tell anyone
Oh, jesus christ. Levi got a tattoo of a gun doing it with a hockey puck, I have to go.
me: ok bye
Sarah Palin is offline and can't receive messages right now."
2. My car started spewing smoke yesterday from under the hood, and I found out that the oil cap was gone and there was burning oil everywhere when I opened the hood.
3. I went over my cell phone plan by 225 minutes, and at 45 cents a minute, I think I'm going to throw up.
4. Achewood is really feeling me today, it's almost like Chris Onstad can read my mind. Actually,
Cornelius Bear is reading my mind, so literally.
September 8
So, I'm now twenty-six, and pork is delicious. In case you are not completely consumed by all encompassing coverage of the Palin family, I am totally obsessed
with how weird they are. My most salacious discovery was about 18 year old hockey star - slash - babydaddy Levi Johnston's ring finger tattoo. He has gotten
Bristol Palin's given name tattooed on his ring finger in cursive!
I got really mad on my birthday because, as I was driving over to see my grandma to have coffee, I was listening to the radio, and it was: John McCain's 72nd birthday,
his Vice Presidential Nomination Day, and it was even Sarah and Todd Palin's 20th wedding anniversary. In addition to Michael Jackson's 50th birthday, and Hurricane Katrina's
third anniversary. Anyway, I went to the State Fair with Kristen and Leslie and got to see a t-shirt with the entirety of Joe Jonas' face airbrushed onto it.
It was probably my favorite thing at the fair, besides this cake that was decorated as the flag of Oregon with every state symbol adorning it in frosting.
Oh, Leslie saw Hanson at the Bombay Cricket Club the other day and I got a text message about it. I was, and continue to be, jealous. I talked with her and she
said that each of them is married with babies. I could not believe this - Zac Hanson is 13 years old. But he's not, actually, according to Wikipedia. He was born the same year as
my brother, he is 23! Meanwhile, Taylor Hanson is expecting his fourth baby. He got married when he was 19. He is younger than me. But just barely.
I can't wait for 30 Rock to return to my life. I'm kind of sad that it is not premiering until Oct. 30th, but also am glad I won't be missing it while I am working.
My reasoning of course is that Sarah Palin looks almost just like Tina Fey, and I feel like any commentary or impersonations would be absolutely amazing.
Tomorrow Liz and I are going to have a joint trivia birthday party. We are going to make up trivia about ourselves. Like, "What is Jennifer's favorite show?" Answer:
The Football Show! Also acceptable: Friday Night Lights. Liz and I have not planned this party, but we're going to have it anyway. We're going to call everyone
we know and tell them about it. And then we're going to write questions. And then we're going to find somewhere to have this party. And tell people to go there.